ASK THE EXPERT - March 2016
Note: Dear parents, Thank you for sending in your queries. Some of the queries put up by you were not related to children's emotional and behavioural problems but about admissions and results. Please note that this page does not address such questions. Some of you have also sent incomplete queries, with one or two word sentences, such as ‘rude behaviour', ‘happiness' and ‘aggression', which are difficult to respond to, as there is no explanation or description given about how the problem has started, what you find difficult to manage as a parent etc. The more descriptive the problem is, the better we would be able to respond to it.
1. Well my daughter thinks that the work she gets from school is like a burden to her she thinks that maybe we send her to school because we just want her to stick to her studies well I guess not obviously but thing just seem boring to her and time taking as if she about to take her last breath(Allah almighty forbid) while doing it I don't know what's wrong in her but as a father I love my daughter and I really do care about you might think maybe she hasn't got good relations with me or her mother but it's just not that way she loves us and so do we but why does she think studies make her grow old and their some idiotic phase of anyone's life.
Gender: Female Age: 6 to 8 Category: Behavioral Issues
Response: Thank you for sharing your concerns. It seems that your daughter feels stressed out by the amount of homework she gets, which appears as a burden. Many children can feel this way due to different reasons and the best way to go about this situation is to talk to her openly.
By listening to her you will be able to understand her core concern and thus address it accordingly. Explore if there is a subject that she is unable to understand or if something at school or home is bothering her. Acknowledge her feelings and the fact that as she goes in senior classes, the workload may increase. Discuss with her how she can make learning more interesting as opposed to just considering it as a burden. Explore what she would like to do, if she did not have so much homework and help her identify ways of creating time so that she can pursue hobbies and interests. Review her weekly routine and ensure that she has some time every day to play, do non-school related and outdoor activities. All the best and do update us on how it goes.
2. My daughter who is extremely hard worker but still she dont get first class i want to that whether it is the maximum capacity mean every person have their average stamina beyond he/she can scored OR if a person work hard he can alot of marks my daughter told me that she z now fed up of studiez becoz she work till late night but still she canot defeat her fellow?
Gender: Female Age: 14 to 18 Category: Attention and Concentration Issues
Response: It can be a pretty disappointing feeling for children if they are unable to reach the targets they set out for themselves despite putting in effort and hard work. In such situations it is important to explore if the inability to reach the target is due to high expectations from ones' self or because of issues in understanding a particular subject. If it is a matter of high expectations and your daughter is already getting good grades, then she needs to know that all individuals cannot be at the top of the class and that if they are not, it does not mean that they are inferior in any way. Help her see her strengths and discourage unhealthy competition and expectations. Make sure that she takes time out to pursue hobbies and interests and is not always studying. Sometimes children exhaust themselves by studying all the time, not taking enough sleep, food or exercise and thus are unable to perform to their fullest.
If it's an issue in lack of conceptual clarity related to a subject/s, you can help her identify ways of improving that particular subject. Make sure you emphasize the importance of learning as opposed to just securing the first position in the class, which could be extremely stressful for children.
Do check your and your spouse's expectations from your daughter to make sure that they are not unrealistic and adding to your daughter's stress.
3. My child is good at learning things but he is very slow in writing. His teachers complain about his such behaviour. I can force him to write only when he is at home but what can i do when he is in his class?
Gender:Male Age: 3 to 5 Category: Attention and Concentration Issues
Response: Besides writing slow, does your child have any other learning challenges? Is he able to concentrate on the task given or get easily frustrated? What is it that you do at home that helps him improve the speed of his writing? Suggest similar things to the teachers. If he gets stuck on certain words then work on improving his recognition of these words. If he looses his concentration while writing, have him seated in such a place where there is minimal distraction and he is close enough to the teacher so he can be given the individual attention that may bring his attention back to work. It is important to remember that your child is young and is still learning and would need to be encouraged and praised so that he does not end up feeling frustrated. It is also important that he not be punished for writing slow and simply encouraged to concentrate and improve the challenges he faces in writing.
4. I am a student of 8 th i wont like to tell up my name here so the thing is i've been through some matters in my life since i'm born that doesn't lets me live like normal some of em are still in my life but taking so much stress about it idk i feel so pain in my nerves that sometimes i get blackouts even i've loss confidence on my self ..i've take stress of that thing that my friend ditched me! If there's any place else to tell up my everything do tell!
Gender: Female Age: 14 to 18 Category: Trauma and Grief & Adolescent Developmental Issues
Response: Thank you for sharing your concerns. It appears that you are going through stressful life experiences since a long time and now it is affecting your physical health and relationships. I encourage you to seek in person support. Talk to your parents about how you are feeling or an elder sibling, cousin or a teacher so that they can guide you and take you to a counsellor. Some of the teachers in your school have also been trained on children's emotional health issues and they may be able to link you to a sensitive and understanding counsellor. Do write and update us.
My child is not very social with other children. Apart from that she is also looing her interest in studies. As a mother I asked her so main times but every time she ignored. Here I also wanted to mention she was a very good student and achieved good grades in her previous classes.
pls. guide me in that regard.
Gender: Female Age: 14 to 18 Category: Adolescent Development Issues & Behavioural Issues
Response: You will have to keep talking to her in order to understand and help her work through the issues she may be experiencing. Talk to her in a calm manner about your concerns and give her the space to share her own views, concerns and thoughts about the matter.
It would be important to know if she is facing any challenges in grasping the concepts that are being taught or is stressed about any thing at home, school, with friends etc. If the lack of interest in studies is due to difficulties in a subject, you can work in close coordination with her and her teachers so that she can be best helped to overcome her learning challenges. Encourage her to seek help for subjects she does not understand, help her set a daily study routine, break her work tasks into smaller tasks if she looses her concentration on longer tasks and make sure she is getting enough sleep and exercise.
You may also want to keep in mind the fact that you daughter is in the adolescent age (roughly starting around ten years and above), where many children go through a series of normal emotional, physical and social changes. As a result of these changes there may be more interest in peers; less interest in studies, spending time with family and adults; frequent arguments and need to exert their own individuality and identity etc. The adolescent period can be overwhelming for adolescents, especially if they lack correct information about the changes that they are experiencing or/and if they feel that there is no one that they can communicate with. It might help if you talk to your daughter in an open and friendly manner about these changes. Make sure to do it in a manner that allows her the space to talk rather than it being a lecture. Validate and normalize her feelings and let her know that she can talk to you if there is something bothering her or if she has any questions related to growing up. By communicating openly, you will be giving her an opportunity to discuss and share with you in case she is bothered about something and going through a difficult time.
6. My child is in 6th class she always gets tense in little things. Before changing her section she was always happy and cheerful. She is also so weak .I dont understand why she is so weak after all she eats very much
Gender: Female Age: 9 to 13 Category: Others
Response: It is suggested that you show your daughter to a medical doctor in order to first evaluate whether the cause of her weakness is due to some physical condition or deficiency. If she gets a clean bill of health from the medical doctor, then we can explore the possible psychological reasons that may be causing these symptoms. Change can always be difficult for children who can be helped by talking to them about their concerns, validating these as normal and giving them time to adjust to the change, encouraging them to make new friends and identifying ways of remaining in touch with the old friends.
7. She fight at petty reasons with elders.
Gender: Female Age: 14 to 18 Category: Adolescent Development Issues
Response: Talk to her about your concerns and let her know about your worries related to her behavior in a calm manner in order for her to open up and share her thoughts instead of not listening and simply lecturing her about this behavior.
From the limited information provided in your query, it is unclear if the change in behavior is a recent occurrence or has been an issue since her childhood. If it's a recent change, then it could be brought about by some disturbance/emotional distress your daughter is experiencing either at home or school or as a result of the normal trials and tribulations associated with the adolescent age. During the adolescent age (roughly starting around ten years and above), many children go through a series of normal emotional, physical and social changes. As a result of these changes there is more interest in peers, less interest in spending time with family and adults, frequent arguments and need to exert one's individuality and identity etc. The adolescent period can be overwhelming for adolescents, especially if they lack correct information about the changes that they are experiencing or/and if they feel that there is no one that they can communicate with. It might help if you talk to your daughter in an open and friendly manner about the change that you have noticed in her behavior and what your concerns are. Make sure to do it in a manner that allows her the space to talk rather than it being a lecture. Validate and normalize her feelings and let her know that she can talk to you if there is something bothering her or if she has any questions related to growing up. By communicating openly, you will be giving her an opportunity to discuss and share with you in case she is bothered about something and going through a difficult time.
If you feel that the behavioral issues have more to do with disciplining as opposed to some major disturbance then perhaps you can work with your daughter to come up with some key rules and norms that she agrees to follow related to the behaviors that bother you. Let her identify consequences, in case the norms are not followed so that she owns and follows the norms.
8. The child does his home work only when his father sit with him.
Gender: Male Age: 9 to 13 Category: Behavioural Issues
Response: What is it that the father does which makes him do the homework and what is it that the child says about not doing his homework without the father? Does he do it due to the father's fear (fear of being scolded or hit) or because the father helps him through the difficulties he has in understanding the task given? Does your child have other learning and disciplining issues?
If the child is only doing the work out of fear then this strategy will not be helpful for him in the long run and whatever is being done to evoke fear would need to be stopped. If it is more of his dependence on the father to teach him, then gradually work towards building his confidence in doing the work on his own and seeking support only for the issues he is unable to grasp. Praise him when he starts making small efforts.
9. Behaviour is very rude and irresponsible in those days.
Gender: Female Age: 6 to 8 Category: Behavioral Issues
Response: There are many reasons for children's misbehaviour and based on the limited information that you have provided about your child, it would not be possible for us to guide you properly.
It would be important to know if the change in the behaviour is a recent occurrence and what are the situations in which she misbehaves? Children can behave this way if they are undergoing a stressful situation at home or school including being put down, abused, etc.
How do you deal with her behaviour? It is important to stress that If you resort to force or physical punishment then remember that this would need to stop as use of aggression and force makes children believe that its okay to use force when they are angry. It also makes them more stubborn and less resistant to change . Communication with her would be the key to understanding the issue and then addressing it accordingly. Explore the underlying reasons for her rudeness and then help her sort out those reasons, helping her understand her feelings and the impact of her behaviour on others.
10. He don't want to obey elders teachers.it seems that he is a victim of self-pity. He is on second no. In his family. Sometimes he tells a lie. He doesn't want to follow the routines.
Gender: Male Age: 9 to 13 Category: Behavioral Issues
Response: How do you normally deal with his behavior? If you resort to force or physical punishment then remember that this would need to stop so that you can teach him what you are trying to. Use of aggression and force makes children believe that its okay to use force when they are angry. It also makes them more stubborn and less resistant to change. Try to also identify if the reason for his disobedience and lying is due to some stress in the house or school, which he is reacting to. If that were the case, then his reaction would become better once the stressful situation improves or is addressed with him.
If that is not the case, then try identifying what are the things on which he struggles with you. Once you have done so, identify which issues are not worth struggling with your child for example, clothes he wants to wear, and which are worth disciplining him, for example, eating his meal, TV viewing timings etc. Making a routine and some rules in house, are useful ways to avoid the daily struggles about how much TV the children can watch, when they need to get ready for bed, cleaning up their mess etc.
If your child argues unnecessarily, diffuse this unnecessary power struggle by remaining silent at that time. You can express how you are feeling through facial expressions and body language, by stepping away from the situation and talking later. For example, you can say to the child, ‘ I think you are angry and upset and I will talk to you about it later when you are less angry' .
You can use the technique of logical consequence, instead of using physical force. Consequences that are related to the misbehavior, reasonable and given respectfully are called ‘logical consequences'. An example of a logical consequence would be to make a child skip his playtime for the day, if he has not finished the work, make him clean the walls if they are scribbled on, etc. let the child know in advance what the consequence would be.
Whenever you feel that he has not resorted to aggression in a situation where he normally does, praise him, as that can be the most powerful way of reinforcing positive behaviors among children.
11. Aoa Mairi baiti ALHAMDOLILAH studies mai Bohat achi hain position holder hain but school janay mai problem,confuse Bohat jaldi Hona and choti c baat pe pareshan Ho jati hain plz Muje suggest karin mai kaisay Handel karon
Gender: Male Age: 9 to 13Category: Others
Response: Some children are generally more anxious then others and tend to feel more sensitive about making mistakes, not getting good grades, etc. Some children also become more anxious if they are frequently scolded, put down and hit or witness parental conflict or any other stressful situation. Try to identify which out of these reasons could be adding to your child's behaviour so that it can be addressed accordingly. If it is more of a personality issue then let her know that its okay to make mistakes and sometimes get confused and that other children also experience similar emotions. If it's something in her environment or parenting style, then try to change these patterns that may be affecting her negatively.
Queries 12-21 (incomplete information)
- Abusive language
- Not read any book
- Always play cricket
- How you teach the students
- She is always feel sleepy in the class
- Weak in learning
Response: The information provided is unclear and insufficient to provide a response. Kindly elaborate on what you mean by sharing how it is affecting your child and you? Do mention if this is a recent occurrence or that if there has been a recent change in the child's life?