SMILES Queries Sept – Oct 2015


do not remember things

Category: Others
Response: The information provided is insufficient for us to guide you accurately. Your son is very young and it is unclear what all he is unable to remember and that you expect a child his age should be able to. Information about any noticeable delays in his development milestones would also be useful in guiding you.


My child is showing very good grades in his last school after changing his school he showing very low grades.I am also teaches in APS bahwalpur please HELP ME...
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Category: Others & Lack of Concentration, Attention and Learning
Response: Your child seems to be adjusting to the new school environment, where there are new teachers, students and perhaps a different way of teaching and a changed curriculum. Change can be extremely stressful at times and both children and adults may require a bit of time before they feel adjusted. He may also be missing his old school and friends, which may in turn be affecting his studies.
The best way forward would be to talk to your child and give him an opportunity to share with you any difficulties that he is experiencing both academically and socially in adjusting to the new environment. Validate and acknowledge the feelings brought about by the change and help him develop skills to deal with issues that he maybe experiencing. For example if the problem is with understanding a subject, give him extra coaching or encourage him to talk to the teachers about the difficulties. If he has difficulty making friends, help him identify some of the friendly children in the class and think of ways to interact with them more.
All the best!


My problem is to cope up with a student who is always ready to create disturbance in class. He seems not to listen others. PARENTAL cooperation is not available. He is very restless.

Category: Lack of Concentration, Attention and Learning
Response: Managing a child with disruptive behavior can be a challenge for most of the teachers. However, with a better understanding of the child’s problem and his strengths, support of the principal and parents, the child can be assisted in becoming more cooperative and less disruptive.  Children can disrupt a classroom due to a number of reasons including lack of overall structure or discipline in the class, personal problems at home or due to Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). Based on the limited information provided about the child, It is in no way being suggested that the child has ADHD, but you might want to read up on the issue for your own understanding and if needed to guide the parents.
Some of the ways you can help the child are as follows:

  • Talk to him separately about the disruptive behavior and how it effects you and the class. The idea of talking should not be to reprimand him but to work with him in identifying ways by which you can help him manage the behavior and maintain his focus on the learning. Ask him what can be done regarding the matter. Try understanding his needs and strengths so that you can help him keep his focus on the teaching.
  • Some changes in the classroom setting may also be useful in managing the distraction and disruption. For example, seat him away from the door or window. It may also help if he is seated closer to the front of the room so you can maintain a better eye contact with him.
  • It might be useful that after giving instructions to the class, you repeat the instructions to him, one at a time, to ensure that he is able to maintain his attention towards the task.
  • Sometimes children may need to be reminded about the disruptive behavior. Instead of admonishing him in front of the entire class, you can both identify a few signals that can be given during the class to warn the child that his behavior has become disruptive. This may be a hand signal, eye contact, or a sticky note on his desk.
  • Choose which behaviors you want to address and which ones you want to ignore based on what you think is more disruptive for other students of the class.
  • You can also set classroom norms related to acceptable behavior along with consequences of not following them.
  • Encourage and praise him when he tries to bring changes even if these are small ones.

SHE IS REALLY WORRIED ABOUT HER STUDIES..... SHE LEARNS AND AFTER SOME TIME SHE THOUGHT SHE HAS FORGOTTEN......SHE IS A HARDWORKING STUDENT AND ALWAYS GAIN 1 POSITION...

Category: Others (Exams and Studies related Anxiety)

Response: It is important to know that it is perfectly normal for most children to feel a bit of nervousness and stress related to their studies. In some ways a bit of stress helps us take our studies seriously and prepare better. However, for some children the anxiety becomes so intense that is no longer helpful and must be dealt with. Help your daughter:

  • Rule out if there is any other non-studies related stress that maybe adding to her stress about the studies. Talking and dealing with that stress will make her calmer and thus help her resume her focus on studies.

 

  • Make a study plan in advance of the exams, keeping ample time for preparation of subjects that she finds most difficult. Managing and planning the study time will help her cope with stress and avoid the last minute panic and anxiety experienced by many students.
  • Make sure she is getting enough rest and sleep and is eating a balanced diet. A recent study has shown that people who sleep for 8 hours before taking a Math’s test are three times more likely to understand and solve the math’s problems as compared to people who stay awake all night.

 

  • Help her identify and minimize unhelpful thoughts such as ‘I will be a failure, ‘I need to be the best’, ‘My parents will be so disappointed in me’, ‘I am so dumb’ etc. as they just add to the anxiety. Help her replace these with helpful thoughts such as ‘I am going to try my best’, ‘I may not know a few things but will work to improve them’, ‘I don’t have to be perfect in everything’. If it helps ask her to write down the helpful thoughts and say these out loud while standing in front of the mirror and looking at herself.
  • Try to identify physical and other activities that help calm her down and make them part of her daily routine. Anxiety often produces bodily symptoms such as sweating, erratic breathing, fast heartbeat etc. and deep breathing and calming activities reduce these bodily symptoms. Other than that pursuing a pleasurable interest, talking to friends etc. can also help deal with the anxiety.

 

  • Encourage her to continue talking to you or a teacher for guidance about how she can cope better with the anxiety.

All the best

My daughter studying at class 8 ,once she was a position holder
But now she z taking fourth position while z still working hard she z nowadays very upset.

Category: Others and Adolescent Developmental Changes
Response: Is she upset about not doing as well as she used to do earlier in her studies or is there something other than the studies that is making her upset? Understanding this would help us guide you better. 
Talk to her about the situation (not to lecture) so that she is able to open up and share her concerns. Evaluate her and your own expectations related to her grades to ensure that these are realistic. Unrealistic expectations related to performance, goals etc. can make children feel anxious and pulled down.
Since your daughter is going through adolescence, she may be experiencing emotions and challenges that are part and parcel of this stage. During the adolescent age (roughly starting around ten years and above), many children go through a series of normal emotional, physical and social changes. As a result of these changes there is more interest in peers, less interest in studies, spending time with family and adults, frequent arguments and need to exert one’s individuality and identity etc. The adolescent period can be overwhelming for adolescents, especially if they lack correct information about the changes that they are experiencing or/and if they feel that there is no one that they can communicate with. It might help if you talk to your daughter in an open and friendly manner about these changes. Make sure to do it in a manner that allows her the space to talk rather than it being a lecture. Validate and normalize her feelings and let her know that she can talk to you if there is something bothering her or if she has any questions related to growing up. By communicating openly, you will be giving her an opportunity to discuss and share with you in case she is bothered about something and going through a difficult time


my daughter write with left hand. and teacher do not understand her individual differance and being labled slow writer.

Category: Others
Response: It is difficult to guide you based on the limited information provided. Does your child have any other learning issues besides writing slow such as difficulty grasping concepts, reading etc.? It might help if you talk to the teachers about how the labeling affects your daughter. As for writing slow, ask the teachers how your daughter can be helped improve this and if there are other learning issues that need to be addressed.

my child can not concentrate at all.
i don't about she thinks all the time.
she does not shares anything.
she is very intelligent according to all of teachers but never gets good grades because of lack of concentration.

Category: Adolescent Development Issues & Lack of Concentration, Attention and Learning
Response: Kindly provide more information about your daughter’s lack of concentration in studies to understand her situation better and to guide you accordingly. It would be essential to know about her interest in activities other than studies, and if the lack of concentration is a recent occurrence or an issue since her childhood and/or any other change that you have noticed in her mood and behavior.
The best way to work through these issues is by talking to her in a calm manner about your concerns and giving her the space to share her own views, concerns and thoughts about the matter.
If the issue is only related to studies and not any other emotional problem such as issues at home, peer pressure, bullying etc., that might be bothering her, you can work in close coordination with her and her teachers so that she can be best helped to overcome her learning challenges. Encourage her to seek help for subjects she does not understand, help her set a daily study routine, break her work tasks into smaller tasks if she looses her concentration on longer tasks and make sure she is getting enough sleep and exercise.
You may also want to keep in mind the fact that you daughter is in the adolescent age (roughly starting around ten years and above), where many children go through a series of normal emotional, physical and social changes. As a result of these changes there may be more interest in peers and opposite sex, less interest in studies, spending time with family and adults, frequent arguments and need to exert their own individuality and identity etc. The adolescent period can be overwhelming for adolescents, especially if they lack correct information about the changes that they are experiencing or/and if they feel that there is no one that they can communicate with. It might help if you talk to your daughter in an open and friendly manner about these changes. Make sure to do it in a manner that allows her the space to talk rather than it being a lecture. Validate and normalize her feelings and let her know that she can talk to you if there is something bothering her or if she has any questions related to growing up. By communicating openly, you will be giving her an opportunity to discuss and share with you in case she is bothered about something and going through a difficult time


my daughter is in grade 7th.
find great difficulty in understanding maths.
though wants to improve but unable to do it.
rather she has developed a fear of studies.
should i change her school

Category: Lack of Concentration, Attention and Learning
Response: We suggest that you discuss with your daughter, the exact problems she is experiencing in mathematics to determine how best she can be helped. Ask yourself the following questions, which we think will help you decide on the way forward:

  • Has she always had difficulties in mathematics? If so, how have you helped her with these in the past? Can the same strategy be employed now? Have you tried extra coaching for her?
  • Is she the only one having problem with mathematics or other children in the class have similar concerns? If many other children have the same issue, this would mean that perhaps the teacher is unable to clarify the concepts.
  • Have you spoken to the teacher about this issue and sought her support in guiding you with what can best help your daughter?

She work hard but behave rudely

Category: Behavioral Issues
Response:  We encourage you to provide a bit more information about the kinds of situations she becomes rude in. How do you normally deal with her rude behavior? If you resort to force or physical punishment then remember that this would need to stop so that you can teach her what you are trying to. Use of aggression and force makes children believe that its okay to use force when they are angry. It also makes them more stubborn and less resistant to change.
Children are at times rude as a result of seeing people around them act rudely or aggressively or being disciplined through physical force or physical punishment. Other than that a lack of any discipline, structure or routine, no clear rules related to behavior etc. can at times confuse children about what is expected of them and thus cause them to be aggressive especially when they are used to getting their own way.  Other reasons for children’s rudeness is the result of stressful life situations that they are unable to understand and cope with. These could include death of a loved one, family problems, and difficulty making friends, some form of trauma or abuse being experienced by them etc. Try to identify if your daughter is reacting to some stressful situation. If that is the case, then her reaction would become better once the stressful situation improves or is addressed with her.
If that is not the case, then try identifying situations that she behaves rudely in. Once you have done so, identify which issues are not worth struggling with your child for example, clothes she wants to wear, and which are worth disciplining her, for example, eating her meal on time, TV viewing timings etc. Making a routine and some rules in house, are useful ways to avoid the daily struggles about how much TV the children can watch, when they need to get ready for bed, cleaning up their mess etc.
If your child argues unnecessarily, diffuse this unnecessary power struggle by remaining silent at that time. You can express how you are feeling through facial expressions and body language, by stepping away from the situation and talking later. For example, you can say to the child, ‘I think you are angry and upset and I can only speak to you when your talk to me calmly’.
You can use the technique of logical consequence, instead of using physical force. Consequences that are related to the misbehavior, reasonable and given respectfully are called ‘logical consequences’. An example of a logical consequence would be to make a child skip her playtime for the day, if she has not finished the work, make her clean the walls if they are scribbled on, etc. let the child know in advance what the consequence would be.
Help her understand and see how her behavior may be causing others to react negatively and how she can change her reaction from being aggressive to assertive. The important thing is not to discourage her from sharing her point of view but to do it in a way that is respectful. You and your spouse can keep a check on your own behavior while dealing with conflict situations as children tend to learn most effectively from patterns of communication of the adults around them.
Whenever you feel that she has not resorted to being rude in a situation where she normally is, praise her, as that can be the most powerful way of reinforcing the positive behavior.

some times teachers behaviour unknowingly effect students personality how can a student face this situation

Category: Others
Response: You would need to elaborate on the kind of behavior teachers’ have that you think can affect students. The current information provided is insufficient and unclear.

hi, I just caught my child watching porn the other day and i talked to her about it and she didnt show any remorse, she said every one does it. And shes not getting good grades now, and is on the phone all the time,shes getting interesteed in boys alot too, i have no idea how to handle her, plz suggest something for me to do.

Category: Adolescent Development Issues
Response: Internet pornography has become a cause of concern for parents’ world over due to a number of reasons such as age inappropriate exposure to sexual information, inaccurate depiction of sexual relationships and vulnerability of children to sexual abuse at the hands of pedophiles who may actively engage with children viewing the pornographic sites.
During the adolescent age (roughly starting around ten years and above), many children go through a series of normal emotional, physical and social changes. As a result of these changes there is more interest in peers and opposite sex, less interest in spending time with family and adults, frequent arguments and need to exert their own individuality and identity etc. The adolescent period can be overwhelming for adolescents, especially if they lack correct information about the changes that they are experiencing or/and if they feel that there is no one that they can communicate with.  Due to lack of parental communication on sexual matters, children often tend to resort to information available on the internet especially the pornographic websites.
Talk to you daughter in an open, calm yet concerned manner about these observations. Make sure that you do it in a manner that allows her the space to talk rather than it being a lecture. Before talking to her it is important to check your own comfort level on these issues, and if need be, get some factual information that can help you guide her. Remember that by simply lecturing her or avoiding discussion on the topic, you will not be resolving the issue. The communication with your daughter will have to be ongoing since it may take her some time to become comfortable discussing these matters with you especially if you have previously not spoken openly about these issues.
Validate and normalize her feelings and need for information and allow her an opportunity to ask you for information related to growing up. Discuss with her the advantages and disadvantages of the Internet and share your concerns. You may also encourage her to seek information only from authentic websites and develop some safety rules when using the Internet such as not to share personal information including photographs with a stranger, etc. Work with her to come up with some key rules and norms that she agrees to follow related to the amount of time she will spend studying, on the internet, with friends etc. as well as acceptable behavior. Let her identify consequences, in case the norms are not followed so that she owns and follows the norms. The consequences must be reasonable and given respectfully. Help her develop communication skills so that she can state her feelings and thoughts clearly.


My daughter has not talked to me about this but I can see ever since 16 Dec. 2014 she has started to be very quiet and scared.

Category: Trauma and Grief
Response:  Your concern about your daughter is understandable due to the enormity of the December 16 incident and the fact that she might have certain fears as a student of an army school.
The best way to understand and deal with this matter is to talk to her openly and calmly about her feelings and thoughts regarding the incident. Let her know that children and adults alike can feel overwhelmed and have certain worries. Let her also know that by talking about these feelings one is able to learn ways of dealing with them. Once she starts talking you will have a better idea about the kind of support she would need. Just having an opportunity to talk about the fears and concerns and have someone validate these, can be a powerful first step for coping. If needed you can help clarify certain concerns she may have or help her identify ways by which she can take care of herself, if she feels unsafe.

He always feel tired after coming from school.

Category: Others
Response: The information provided is insufficient to guide you. He could be tired due to a number of reasons such as lack of adequate sleep and nutrition, a medical condition or psychological stress and pressure of the studies.  Explore all these areas to determine the possible cause and then deal with them accordingly.
All the best.

 

 

she is really worried about her studies.... she is a good student and always stood first in her class but she learn one thing many times. once she learn one thing she do that again what to be done?????

Category: Others (Exams and Studies related Anxiety)

Response: It is important to know that it is perfectly normal for most children to feel a bit of nervousness and stress related to their studies. In some ways a bit of stress helps us take our studies seriously and prepare better. However, for some children the anxiety becomes so intense that is no longer helpful and must be dealt with. Help your daughter:

  • Rule out if there is any other non-studies related stress that maybe adding to her stress about the studies. Talking and dealing with that stress will make her calmer and thus help her resume her focus on studies.

 

  • Make a study plan in advance of the exams, keeping ample time for preparation of subjects that she finds most difficult. Managing and planning the study time will help her cope with stress and avoid the last minute panic and anxiety experienced by many students.
  • Make sure she is getting enough rest and sleep and is eating a balanced diet. A recent study has shown that people who sleep for 8 hours before taking a Math’s test are three times more likely to understand and solve the math’s problems as compared to people who stay awake all night.

 

  • Help her identify and minimize unhelpful thoughts such as ‘I will be a failure, ‘I need to be the best’, ‘My parents will be so disappointed in me’, ‘I am so dumb’ etc. as they just add to the anxiety. Help her replace these with helpful thoughts such as ‘I am going to try my best’, ‘I may not know a few things but will work to improve them’, ‘I don’t have to be perfect in everything’. If it helps ask her to write down the helpful thoughts and say these out loud while standing in front of the mirror and looking at herself.
  • Try to identify physical and other activities that help calm her down and make them part of her daily routine. Anxiety often produces bodily symptoms such as sweating, erratic breathing, fast heartbeat etc. and deep breathing and calming activities reduce these bodily symptoms. Other than that pursuing a pleasurable interest, talking to friends etc. can also help deal with the anxiety.

 

  • Encourage her to continue talking to you or a teacher for guidance about how she can cope better with the anxiety.

All the best