ASK THE EXPERT-February 2015

Category: Others
Age of Child: 13
Gender of Child: female
Query: My daughter is 13 year old and sure she reached teenage but i think that her mind is still at low level. She teaches the students in her home that are invisible so sometimes I thought that she is not good mentally

Thank you for sharing your concerns. Many children at younger ages i.e. around the age of three years have imaginary friends and engage in play with these imaginary friends. This, however does not continue in the age that your daughter is currently in. It would be difficult to draw any exact conclusions about your daughter based on the information that you have shared and/or without having a thorough assessment. We suggest that you consult a medical doctor who can assess her normal developmental milestones and then guide and refer you accordingly, to the required professional. Before going to the doctor, it is suggested that you also meet with her teachers to get an idea about their observations.

 

Category: Adolescent Development Issues
Age of Child: 16
Gender of Child: Female
Query: Hi! I am a mother of a 16 year old girl and I have a query. My daughter used to be very intelligent and obedient but now she has started to act really weird. She has stopped studying and doesn’t get good grades now and has started to go out with friends a lot and started to hang out with boys. I don’t know why and whenever I try to talk to her she starts to make excuses and then runs back to her room. I am really worried, please give me some advice.

Your worry at the changed attitude of your daughter is understandable. During the adolescent age (roughly starting around ten years and above), many children go through a series of normal emotional, physical and social changes. As a result of these changes there is more interest in peers and opposite sex, less interest in spending time with family and adults, frequent arguments and need to exert their own individuality and identity etc. Some of the things that you mention seem to suggest that your daughter is also experiencing similar changes. The adolescent period can be overwhelming for adolescents, especially if they lack correct information about the changes that they are experiencing or/and if they feel that there is no one that they can communicate with. It might help if you talk to your daughter in an open and friendly manner about the change that you have noticed in her behavior and what your concerns are. Make sure to do it in a manner that allows her the space to talk rather than it being a lecture. Validate and normalize her feelings and let her know that she can talk to you if there is something bothering her or if she has any questions related to growing up. By communicating openly, you will be giving her an opportunity to discuss and share with you in case she is bothered about something and going through a difficult time.

 


Category: Behavioral Issues
Age of Child: 10 years
Gender of Child: female
Query: a.o.a, dear madam my daughter is studying in class 4, physically fine, height is almost 4' 7". She is very much noisy ,some time behaved very politely but some time irritated ..She is elder to 2 sons..she is very friendly with neighbour'skids.butDont mix up with brothers.I lived with my wife and 3 kids independently. Please advise me the proper way to deal with such type of children. Due to daughter's aggressive attitude my sons are taking interests in study and even reacts like her.Please advise me , how to handle the child.

From your email it appears that your daughter’s aggressive and non-friendly behavior is limited to certain situations only and that there are times when she is polite and friendly especially with the neighbors kids. How do you and your wife discipline her at home especially when she is noisy and aggressive towards your sons? If you resort to force or physical punishment then remember that this would need to stop so that you can teach her what you are trying to. Use of aggression and force makes children believe that its okay to use force when they are angry. It also makes them more stubborn and less resistant to change. Try to identify the reason for her noisy and aggressive behavior. Isit due to a recent change in the family, any stress in the household that could be having an impact on her? If that were the case, then her reaction would become better once the stressful situation improves or is addressed with her. Since you mentioned that her aggressive behavior is mostly towards the young brothers, it would be important to know how she reacted to their birth and what has changed in terms of the time and attention she gets from you and your wife since the birth of the siblings? If that seems like a plausible reason that think of ways by which you and your wife can help make her feel important and special, address her concerns about the siblings and help her adjust and accept them as part of the family.

 

If none of the above reasons seem to be the cause, and you feel like you have not been able to simply discipline her, then in that case, try identifying what is it that you would want her to change and not deal with aggressively. Once you have done so, identify which issues are not worth struggling with your child for example, clothes she wants to wear, and which are worth disciplining her, for example, eating her meal, TV viewing timings, behavior towards siblings etc. Making a routine and setting some rules in the house, are useful ways to avoid the daily struggles about how much TV the children can watch, when they need to get ready for bed, cleaning up their mess etc.

If your child argues unnecessarily, diffuse this unnecessary power struggle by remaining silent at that time. You can express how you are feeling through your facial expressions and body language, by stepping away from the situation and talking later. For example, you can say to the child, ‘I think you are angry and upset and I will talk to you about it later when you are less angry’.

You can use the technique of logical consequence, instead of using physical force. Consequences that are related to the misbehavior, reasonable and given respectfully are called ‘logical consequences’. An example of a logical consequence would be to make a child skip her playtime for the day, if she has not finished the work, make her clean the walls if they are scribbled on, etc. Let the child know in advance what the consequence would be.

Whenever you feel that she has not resorted to aggression in a situation where she normally does, praise her, as that can be the most powerful way of reinforcing the positive behavior.


 

Category: Behavioral Issues
Age of Child: 12 years
Gender of Child: male
Query: my child has aggressivebehavior. He is extra ordinary genius but he always argue with me and some time he is irritating everyone. Hehaven’t any issue regarding studies but he has lots of emotional issues.

Children who are generally more intelligent and labeled as ‘extraordinarily genius’ are also not easily satisfied by simple answers or reasons. The commonly used terms by parents when disciplining children such as, ‘You need to do this because I said so’ or ‘Just do what I am saying and don’t ask’, does not work at all. When you say that he behaves aggressively, can you shortlist the situations that he behaves aggressively in? By shortlisting and identifying the situations, you will be able to identify a pattern and reasons for the misbehavior and then address it accordingly. Once you list down the situations, discuss with your spouse and see where you both maybe adding to his aggression by not giving him the space to ask and clarify his confusion and where you feel he is being unreasonable despite having all the information. It is important to stress that If you resort to force or physical punishment then remember that this would need to stop as use of aggression and force makes children believe that its okay to use force when they are angry. It also makes them more stubborn and less resistant to change

Open and clear communication and consistent messages from both you and your spouse would be the key to handling his behavior and teaching him new ways of coping. Letting him know how his behavior affects others and helping him identify other ways of expressing his feelings would be helpful in this regard.

 


 

Category: Lack of Concentration, Attention and Learning
Age of Child: 7 years
Gender of Child: male
Query: My son is 7 year old and he is very hardworking but still I notice that he does not be paying attention to his homework and lately crying during studies.what can I do to help him??

It appears that your son gets distressed while doing his homework and while he tries hard is unable to pay attention. Talk to him about the crying at a time when he is not doing his homework and let him know that you will help him work through the challenges of studies. Acknowledge how children can feel overwhelmed with the increased pressure of studies, appreciate his hardwork and encourage him to identify ways by which he can become more relaxed so that he can concentrate more on his studies. To help him concentrate better, make  sure that your son does not study in a room with too many distractions such as people talking, television, too many toys around etc. Break hismain task into smaller tasks so that he can understand them better and is also not distracted. Let him know what he can do once he finishes his work, which will help as an incentive. You can also assess if he is getting ample sleep, nutrition and is not disturbed by any family issues and stressors. All these things can also affect children’s ability to pay attention.

If you feel that the problem keeps happening consistently, and if you get similar complaints from the school, it is suggested that you speak to his teacher and see how you can both help him through a joint strategy, which is followed both at the school and at home.While coming up with the strategy, explore if the challenge of inattention is due to lack of understanding of what has to be written or lack of concentration or both. An understanding of this will help you tackle the issue accordingly. Suggest to the teacher to have your son sit in the front row, so the teacher can bring his attention back to the task; divide his tasks in smaller tasks etc. Good luck!

 


Category: Shyness and Under Confidence
& Behavioral Issues
Age of Child: 10 Years 2 Months
Gender of Child: male
Query: My son studying in Class - IV is hard working student and obedient and also very shy in his class as well as with outsider people and not to share anything with his colleagues, however he is very well with his brothers in home. Since last two years I notice that he is behaving very odd. He does not seem to be paying attention to his work and is not getting very good grades. He seems disturbed and preoccupied. My husband and I have given him a detailed lecture on the importance of his studies. He listens and agrees but we don’t see any progress. What can I do to help him and also to take good manner?

Something appears to be bothering your son, which is affecting his work and grades. It would thus be important to address the reasons behind the inability to concentrate and study rather than the studies itself. There could be a number of reasons contributing to this change such as problems with the peers at school, bullying, issues with the teachers, inability to understand a subject, stressors due to problems at home. You mentioned that he is generally shy and that might make it more difficult to for him to openly communicate and share what is bothering him.

Talk to him in an open, calm and friendly manner and share your observations about the changes you have noticed in him. Let him know that he can share anything that bothers him and that you will listen and support him without putting any blame. Once he starts to open up, help him deal with the situation accordingly, by both validating feelings that are normal and by helping him develop positive coping skills. Once the underlying issue bothering him is discussed and resolved, he will most likely be able to get back to concentrating on his studies.


 

Category: Behavioral Issues
& Others
Age of Child: 10 years 6 months
Gender of Child: male
Query: My son is very intelligent and position holder .we have very good atmosphere in home. Nowadayz He makes faces when he concentrate anything like study ,writting,watching TV or playing games squeeze nose very frequently within minute and do some strange thing with his face before this he do continuously scratch his nail of thumb with other finger very consistently so it became horrible now .

Some of the ways to help your son deal with this repetitive behavior and what you term as a strange thing are as follows:

  • The more a child concentrates and focuses on the behavior, the worse it gets. Thus let your child thinks of ways to distract himself and not pay too much attention to it.
  • Stress can trigger and worsen this behavior. Thus help your child deal with his stress. If he puts too many expectations on himself, wants things to be perfect, help him remove the pressure he puts on himself. If he delays and leaves his work for the end, help him plan his day so that he is not overwhelmed by too many deadlines.
  • Tell him to let the behavior out if there is an urge and not hold them back as it can be counterproductive and worsen it.
  • Make sure that your child gets enough sleep and rest at night as tiredness also makes the repetitive behavior worse.

There is a possibility that the repetitive movement and behavior that your son shows may be a ‘tic’. Tics are sudden and repetitive in nature which children can find difficult to control. Some common tics include, nose wrinkling, head twitching, eye blinking, lip biting, facial grimacing, kicking, jumping, coughing, throat clearing, grunting, sniffing and hissing etc.While in some children tics go away with time, however in some they may stay for a longer duration. In case you feel that the behavior is not improving despite trying the tips mentioned, or getting worse with time, do consult a medical specialist, a child psychiatrist or psychologist for detailed evaluation and further guidance.

 


Category: Adolescent Development Issues
Age of Child: 13
Gender of Child: boy
Query: My son is in eighth grade.After the first term his academics started to get low.Teachers complain that he does not pay attention to his studies and wants to go outside.What should i do?

It appears that the change in his academic grades is a recent occurrence and that he did not have these issues while he was younger. Open and clear communication with him on this issue would be the best way to move forward. Let him know what the teachers have shared and give him an opportunity to share what his thoughts are about the issue, where he thinks the problem lies, and what he can do to improve this and how you as parents can help him deal with the issue. By communicating openly, you will be giving him an opportunity to discuss and share with you in case he is bothered about something else, which is affecting his studies.

Another angle to keep in mind is related to the adolescent age (roughly starting around ten years and above), which your child is going through, where a series of normal emotional, physical and social changes occur. As a result of these changes there is more interest in peers and opposite sex, less interest in spending time with family and adults, distraction, frequent arguments and need to exert their own individuality and identity etc. The adolescent period can be overwhelming for adolescents, especially if they lack correct information about the changes that they are experiencing or/and if they feel that there is no one that they can communicate with. It might help if you talk to your son in an open and friendly manner about the changes associated with this age and provide him an opportunity to share his concerns and ask questions.

 


Category: Adolescent Development Issues
Age of Child: 14
Gender of Child: male
Query: He is 8th class he has psychological problems that are becoming severe. He has no interest in education. He spends most of his time on internet. He is very rude and takes no notice of his elders. his performance in his studies show decline and shows no improvement. We need your guidance.

 

During the adolescent age (roughly starting around ten years and above), many children go through a series of normal emotional, physical and social changes. As a result of these changes there is more interest in peers and opposite sex, less interest in spending time with family and adults, frequent arguments and need to exert their own individuality and identity etc. Some of the things that you mention seem to suggest that your son may is also be experiencing similar changes. The adolescent period can be overwhelming for adolescents, especially if they lack correct information about the changes that they are experiencing or/and if they feel that there is no one that they can communicate with. It might help if you talk to your son in an open and friendly manner about the change that you have noticed in his behavior and what your concerns are. Make sure to do it in a manner that allows him the space to talk rather than it being a lecture. Validate and normalize his feelings and let him know that he can talk to you if there is something bothering him or if he has any questions related to growing up. By communicating openly, you will be giving him an opportunity to discuss and share with you in case he is bothered about something and going through a difficult time.

Besides, this, you can also work with him to come up with some key rules and norms that he agrees to follow related to the time he will spend studying, on the internet, with friends etc. as well as acceptable behavior. Let him identify consequences, in case the norms are not followed so that he owns and follows the norms. The consequences must be reasonable and given respectfully. Help him develop communication skills so that he can state his feelings and thoughts clearly without offending others. You and your spouse can be the best role models in this regard by communicating with him assertively and clearly yourself.

Best of luck!


 

Category: Behavioral Issues
Age of Child: 9
Gender of Child: female
Query: my daughter is very bright. However, I find her over confident at times. She says studies are very easy, and purposefully does not study enough till very last. Though she does well, but I know, she has the potential to do far better than that.

 

It is natural for every parent to want his/her child to do better or utilize his/her potential to the fullest. However, before you do so, evaluate your own expectations from her and make sure that they are realistic and not discourage the child or put too much unnecessary pressure on her. Once you have done so, only then decide what can be done to help her improve.


 

Category: Behavioral Issues
Age of Child: 7 years
Gender of Child: Male
Query: My 7 years old son is a student of class 1. Though I take my son to parks during the weekends, but due to the haphazard environment and security issues, I try and keep him home. Consequently, he has developed a great interest in watching cartoon/animated movies (good ones with moral lessons). In addition to this he likes to play video games and we can hardly stop him as he demands after completing his homework. Am I parenting him wrong? Can you advise better options if i'm doing it wrong.Looking forward for your advise, please.

Your concerns about the security situation are understandable and as a parent you are trying to provide the best environment and activities that you can. Video games tend to be very addictive and are a cause of concern among many parents. The fact that most of the video games are violent and normalizes violence among children is also of concern.  Think of ways by which you can cut down on the time spent playing video games and watching television and replace it with some board games, indoor physical activities and activities that he can do in the garden outside the house. Switching him from the video games will not be easy at first, but you will have to be consistent and firm and make sure that enough excitement is created with the alternate activities.


Category: Behavioral Issues
Age of Child: 9 years
Gender of Child: female
Query: Thumb sucking and nail biting

Children suck their thumb and bite their nails due to a number of reasons such as boredom, curiosity, and stress release. There are called nervous habits. From your email it is unclear how frequent and serious the behavior is. Some of the things that you can try are given below. However, if the situation worsens with time and does not improve despite consistently trying these tips for some time, consult a doctor for guidance.

  • Try to understand your daughter’s anxieties and help her deal with them. Is there a recent change in the family, a move, death, fights in the house, a new class etc.? If, so help her cope with these changes.  At times we focus too much on making the child stop the behavior without addressing the underlying anxiety.
  • Set some reasonable rules about when and where nail biting and thumb sucking can and cannot happen. Such behaviors are generally at an unconscious level, thus, punishing and constantly reminding the child about them does not help. Too much pressure to stop may actually worsen the habit as it increases the stress.
  • Make her aware of the habit and help her think of ways of overcoming it. Chances are that other kids notice it too and make fun of it. Address how this makes her feel and how she can deal with it. She will need a lot of encouragement to do so. You can also keep a secret code between the two of you, to remind her that she is thumb sucking or nail biting as at times, she may not even be aware that she is doing it. This way she will not publicly feel embarrassed about being told to stop the habit.
  • Help her think of alterative activities to do whenever she feels the urge to repeat the habit.
  • Teach her techniques to calm down and relax, such as taking deep breaths, inhaling from the nose, holding the air inside and exhaling from the mouth; imagining herself in a happy and calm place while focus on the breathing. Engaging her in physical activities could also be useful.

 

Category: Behavioral Issues
Age of Child: 5
Gender of Child: male
Query: Not taking interest in studies. And eats only junk food happily. And very selective things he eat.

 

This is an age to form habits in children which first requires  being clear about what habits you want inculcated in your children and then creating an environment where the child can consistently learn to adapt to the new habits. It is also important that all the adults in the family that he lives with also follow what you are trying to teach him; otherwise, he would be getting mixed messages. If you want your child not to eat too much junk food, make sure that junk food in not available at home which will automatically force the child to choose from the healthier options available. He might resist it at first, which can be ignored but when he sees no option out, he will start to follow through. Initially you can start by cutting down on the junk food and limiting it to over the weekends etc. Similarly, when it comes to studies, make sure that it is generally the same time of the day everyday that you make him study. If he is too tired and/or there are too many distractions around, he will not be able to concentrate or want to study.

Remember that being clear and consistent with what you want changed is the key.

Category: Behavioral Issues
Age of Child: 4
Gender of Child: Male
Query: My son is of 4 years and he has a habit of throwing "thook" on others. We have tried many things to stop him doing this but all in vain. Please help us.

It would have been useful if you had mentioned the situations in which your son spits and what you have tried in the past that did not work, so that a more accurate response could have been provided. Children this age are still learning how to communicate their thoughts and feelings especially that of anger and frustration and at times express these through spitting. Hitting to discourage this behavior is of no help and in fact teaches children to express their own anger violently. Similarly making fun of children also does little to discourage the behavior. Talk to your son when is calm and gently yet firmly let him know that this behavior is disrespectful and if he is upset he will have to show it through a way that is not disrespectful. Help him come up with other ways. Let him know that if he spits, you will not be able to communicate with him and will only do so when he calms down. If he spits again, you can walk out of the room or move to another corner of the room and tell him that you will speak when he is calm and ready to talk without spitting. This way you will be discouraging the spitting and he will eventually learn that you will communicate only when he does not spit. You can appreciate him in instances where he does not spit in which he earlier used to.


 

Category: Adolescent Development Issues
Age of Child: 15
Gender of Child: male
Query: My son is good at his studies but lately he is been acting weird he don't like other kids and don't interact good with other people . He don't like anyone to be in his room and try to avoid other people

Your worry at the changed attitude of your son is understandable. During the adolescent age (roughly starting around ten years and above), many children go through a series of normal emotional, physical and social changes. As a result of these changes there is more interest in peers and opposite sex, less interest in spending time with family and adults, frequent arguments and need to exert their own individuality and identity etc. Some of the things that you mention seem to suggest that your son is also experiencing similar changes. The adolescent period can be overwhelming for adolescents, especially if they lack correct information about the changes that they are experiencing or/and if they feel that there is no one that they can communicate with. It might help if you talk to your son in an open and friendly manner about the change that you have noticed in his behavior and what your concerns are. Make sure to do it in a manner that allows him the space to talk rather than it being a lecture. Validate and normalize his feelings and let him know that he can talk to you if there is something bothering him or if he has any questions related to growing up. By communicating openly, you will also be giving him an opportunity to discuss and share with you in case he is bothered about something else and going through a difficult time.


Category: Behavioral Issues
Age of Child: 5 year old
Gender of Child: male
Query: MY SON IS 5 YEAR OLD AND CRIES A LOT EVEN FOR AFTER EVERY FIVE MINUTES FOR A WHOLE DAY HE HAS BECOME STUBERN KINDLY SUGGEST WHAT SHOULD WE DO

It would be important to understand the reason behind his frequent and uncontrollable crying and the triggers for this. For example, it would be important to know if there has been a recent change in your family, a traumatic experience that he has witnessed, stressful life circumstances etc. and if that is not the case, how are his development milestones like? Is he otherwise developing according to age etc. Think through these things as they may help you narrow down the reasons. If you are still unable to pinpoint the reason, consult a child specialist who would be able to examine the child and guide you accordingly.


 

Category: Lack of Concentration, Attention and Learning
Age of Child: 13
Gender of Child: male
Query: my son is 13 years old and he was the topper in his every school until we admitted him in this school and now his grades are constantly getting low.

 

Your child seems to be adjusting to the new school environment, where there are new teachers, students and perhaps different way or teaching and a changed curriculum. Change can be extremely stressful at times and children and adults both adjust naturally with time. The best would be to talk to your child and give him an opportunity to share with you any difficulties that he is experiencing both academically and socially in adjusting to the new environment. Validate and acknowledge the change and help him develop skills of dealing with issues that he maybe experiencing associated with the change.

Category: Lack of Concentration, Attention and Learning
Age of Child: 10years
Gender of Child: male
Query: My son is studying in class 4. He is physically slightly week. Does not concentrate on studies. When being taught, starts looking here and there. Would ask for washroom and waist lot of time there. If sent to bring some notebook etc will keep on hiding and have to be called back time and again. Remains happy in outdoor games / activities. Also takes interest in computer games,watch TV with interest. Occasionally takes interest and produces good results. Overall results are fluctuating round the year i.e 85%, 40 %, 75%, 64%.

It appears that your child’s inability pay attention is bothering you. There are many reasons why children do not concentrate and take responsibility. Understanding these would help you and the teachers work together to deal with them. Some times children behave this way to gain attention, show their control, feel inadequate and/or are disturbed by certain events and situations. At other times children behave this way due to lack of concentration, hyperactivity and learning difficulties that they seem to have from childhood. While in some children it could be a mix of both external situations and internal learning and concentration issues. However, It would be important to differentiate between the two so that you can deal with it accordingly. One way to differentiate between the two is that learning and concentration issues, are exhibited in children since an early age with parents and teachers complaining of the child’s inability to sit through the work, easily getting distracted, but staying focused for hours on computer games and cartoons as they have a lot of movement, interrupting the class, forgetting things easily, making mistakes repeatedly, inability to grasp concepts etc. Read up on ‘Learning Disabilities’ and ‘Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder’ to see if you feel that it describes your son’s condition and so that you can be guided accordingly.


 

Category: Lack of Concentration, Attention and Learning
Age of Child: 05
Gender of Child: male
Query: My son is 5 years old. He is intelligent but could not write words properly how can I handle him

Talk to his teachers and seek their guidance in this regard so that both you and his teachers follow the same strategy to help him with his writing.

Category: Behavioral Issues
Age of Child: 7
Gender of Child: son
Query: My son is 7 years old.He is a hard working.He is always a position holder in his class but he is always rude to everyone.He always shout a lot.He does not listen my advice.He is misbehaving with everyone.I don't know why he is doing like this.Howi can make changes in his behavior?

 

How do you discipline him when he misbehaves or is rude? Have you communicated with him about this issue and the impact his behavior has on others? Is this a recent change in behavior and has there been any recent change in his environment and life, which you think might be contributing to him misbehaving. If there is some current stress at school or at home then helping him cope with that, would help the misbehavior settle down. Communication with him would be the key to understanding the issue and then addressing it accordingly. Do talk to him openly to ask if something has been bothering him and the change that you have noticed. However, if you feel that this is not the case, then speak to him openly and specifically about the incidents where you feel he has misbehaved and discuss with him how it affects others. Ask him to come up with ways by which he can better express his anger, disagreement etc. in ways that do not hurt others or harm him, for example, talking assertively and firmly without shouting; calming himself down and waiting for the anger and frustration to come down before he talks etc. Let him identify ways first and then suggest some additional ones. Discuss with him some reasonable consequences to his misbehavior. Also let him know that you will only listen to him when he calms down and is not screaming and shouting.


Category: Behavioral Issues
Age of Child: 5 years old
Gender of Child: Male
Query: My child is 5 years old and is really emotionally disturbed ....as he is the youngest of all in the family and as he has three older brothers everyone plays with him as if he is someone their own age due to which whenever he goes out to the park or somewhere else he gets a little shy from other people who praise him and so he tends to behave like he does with his brothers eg kicking the person praising him or slapping him etc which is really embarrassing and he gets sad on stupid things like not getting his juice in time or being slightly teased by his brothers which is really tiring since whenever he gets sad he just hides somewhere and doesn't come out no matter what you say .... I really need your advice on what to do with him ...

Children this age are still learning how to communicate their thoughts and feelings and are unsure on how to relate to others. This is also an age they are learning self control so if they don’t get things their way they often tend to react. Staying calm and firm teaches children that they may have to wait for certain things or follow certain rules. When he cries over juice and food, you can try ignoring the behavior and the child will gradually learn that crying does not resolve the issue. You can even try giving him options to choose from or distract him towards another activity.

As for the issue related to hitting and kicking others. Talk to your son when is calm and gently tell him that meeting new people make children feel shy and uncomfortable and that does not mean that we express these feelings by hitting or kicking them. Discuss with him how it may make others feel and what else he can do instead. You can appreciate him in instances where he does not kick or hit in situations in which he earlier used to reinforce the positive behavior. Observe how your older sons play with this son and each other and help all of them manage their anger and disagreements nonviolently.


Category: Trauma and Grief
Age of Child: 13
Gender of Child: female
Query: my mother is died Ibelieve on everyoneive no friends.

Sorry to hear about the death of your mother. It must a difficult phase for you. Children go through a number of feelings such as sadness, guilt, anger, helplessness etc. when they loose a loved one. Remember that these feelings are natural. In times like these it is important that you talk to a close relatives and trusted adults about how you are feeling and resume the normal routine activities that you earlier liked. Do connect and talk to your father, siblings and any other family member who are close to.


 

Category: Adolescent Development Issues
&Lack of Concentration, Attention and Learning
Age of Child: 13
Gender of Child: Male
Query: I want to share that my son is not interested in studies.wheneveri talk to him about studies he became aggressive and he never show even good results.we are very worried about him.his lack of interest in education

Talk to him about your concerns and let him know about your worries related to his behavior in an open and calm manner at a time when is not agitated.

During the adolescent age (roughly starting around ten years and above), many children go through a series of normal emotional, physical and social changes. As a result of these changes there is more interest in peers and opposite sex, less interest in spending time with family and adults, frequent arguments and need to exert their own individuality and identity etc. Some of the things that you mention seem to suggest that your son may is also be experiencing similar changes. The adolescent period can be overwhelming for adolescents, especially if they lack correct information about the changes that they are experiencing or/and if they feel that there is no one that they can communicate with. It might help if you talk to your son in an open and friendly manner about the change that you have noticed in his behavior and what your concerns are. Make sure to do it in a manner that allows him the space to talk rather than it being a lecture. Validate and normalize his feelings and let him know that he can talk to you if there is something bothering him or if he has any questions related to growing up. By communicating openly, you will be giving him an opportunity to discuss and share with you in case he is bothered about something and going through a difficult time.

Besides, this, you can also work with him to come up with some key rules and norms that he agrees to follow related to the time he will spend studying, on the internet, with friends etc. as well as acceptable behavior. Let him identify consequences, in case the norms are not followed so that he owns and follows the norms.  Help him develop communication skills so that he can state his feelings and thoughts clearly without offending others. You and your spouse can be the best role models in this regard by communicating with him assertively and clearly yourself.


Category: Behavioral Issues
Age of Child: 11
Gender of Child: boy
Query: hello mrszehra how can i control my boy. he is very angry some times he fights with others students and uses abuse language can you help me.

Children resort to aggression for a number of reasons and you can try determining those in your child’s case and then help him deal with this aggression accordingly. Children are at times aggressive as a result of seeing aggression around them or being disciplined through physical force or physical punishment. Use of aggression and force makes children believe that it’s okay to use force when they are angry and that might is right. It also makes them more stubborn and less resistant to change. Lack of any discipline, structure or routine, no clear rules related to behavior etc. can at times confuse children about what is expected of them and thus cause them to be aggressive especially when they are used to getting their way.  Other reasons for children’s aggression is the result of stressful life situations that they are unable to understand and cope with. These could include death of a loved one, family problems, and difficulty making friends, some form of trauma or abuse being experienced by them etc.

If your child argues unnecessarily, diffuse this unnecessary power struggle by remaining silent at that time. You can express how you are feeling through facial expressions and body language, by stepping away from the situation and talking later. For example, you can say to the child, ‘I think you are angry and upset and I will talk to you about it later when you are less angry’.

You can use the technique of logical consequence, instead of using physical force. Consequences that are related to the misbehavior, reasonable and given respectfully are called ‘logical consequences’. An example of a logical consequence would be to make a child skip his playtime for the day, cut some amount from his pocket money for using abusive language. Discuss and agree to the consequences with your son in advance so that he knows what to expect. Remain consistent with these.

Whenever you feel that he has not resorted to aggression in a situation where he normally does, praise him, as that can be the most powerful way of reinforcing the positive behavior.


 

Category: Adolescent Development Issues
Age of Child: 13
Gender of Child: Female
Query: My daughter is 13 years old. I have seen some changes in her personality within last 6 months. She have become over confident claiming that she knows better than her parents. She became more talkative and dis-respectable to elders. She use to be taking care of her things and managing her things in orderly manner but now she is careless. I feel that this is just because of her company at school. Once she violated school discipline for uniform and told us that it is allowed. We did tried to council her but see no changes. Need your guidance on how we should deal with her
Your worry at the changed attitude of your daughter is understandable. During the adolescent age (roughly starting around ten years and above), many children go through a series of normal emotional, physical and social changes. As a result of these changes there is more interest in peers and opposite sex, less interest in spending time with family and adults, frequent arguments and need to exert their own individuality and identity etc. Some of the things that you mention seem to suggest that your daughter is also experiencing similar changes. The adolescent period can be overwhelming for adolescents, especially if they lack correct information about the changes that they are experiencing or/and if they feel that there is no one that they can communicate with. It might help if you talk to your daughter in an open and friendly manner about the change that you have noticed in her behavior and what your concerns are. Make sure to do it in a manner that allows her the space to talk rather than it being a lecture. Validate and normalize here feelings and let her know that she can talk to you if there is something bothering her or if she has any questions related to growing up. By communicating openly, you will be giving her an opportunity to discuss and share with you in case she is bothered about something and going through a difficult time.

Besides, this, you can also work with her to come up with some key rules and norms that she agrees to follow related to the time she will spend studying, on the internet, with friends etc. as well as acceptable behavior. Let her identify consequences, in case the norms are not followed so that she owns and follows the norms.

Category: Behavioral Issues
Age of Child: 14 years
Gender of Child: male
Query: he is an obedient and hardworking student. However, lately I notice that he is behaving very odd. He does not seem to be paying attention to his work and is not getting very good grades. He seems disturbed and preoccupied. My husband and I have given him a detailed lecture on the importance of his studies. He listens and agrees but we don’t see any progress. What can I do to help him?

Something appears to be bothering your son, which is affecting his work and grades. It would thus be important to address the reasons behind the inability to concentrate and study rather than the studies itself. There could be a number of reasons contributing to this change such as problems with the peers at school, bullying, issues with the teachers, inability to understand a subject, stressors due to problems at home.

Talk to him in an open, calm and friendly manner and share your observations about the changes you have noticed in him. Let him know that he can share anything that bothers him and that you will listen and support him without putting any blame. Once he starts to open up, help him deal with the situation accordingly, by both validating feelings that are normal and by helping him develop positive coping skills. Once the underlying issue bothering him is discussed and resolved, he will most likely be able to get back to concentrating on his studies.


 

Category: Lack of Concentration, Attention and Learning
Age of Child: 9 years
Gender of Child: Female
Query: 1. My child is not focus and if she is doing some thing she does not listen if we say any thing to her. Especially during studies remains restless and we don't find her focus.
2. She gets angry on minor issues.
3. To give overall picture it is notified here that I have three kids. A son elder than her and a daughter younger, she is a middle child. She always remain unhappy and keeps herself comparing with brother and sister.

 

Listen to her thoughts and concerns about the siblings and let her know that you care about her and love her equally.Think of activities that you can do with her separately and then together as a family to help her connect more with her siblings.

To help her concentrate better, make  sure that your daughter does not study in a room with too many distractions such as people talking, television, too many toys around etc. Break her main task into smaller tasks so that she can understand them better and is also not distracted. Let her know what she can do once he finishes she work, which will help as an incentive. You can also assess if she is getting ample sleep, nutrition and is not disturbed by any family issues and stressors. All these things can also affect children’s ability to pay attention.

If you feel that the problem keeps happening consistently, and if you get similar complaints from the school, It is suggested that you speak to her teacher and see how you can both help her through a joint strategy, which is followed both at the school and at home. While coming up with the strategy, explore if the challenge of inattention is due to lack of understanding of what has to be written or lack of concentration or both. An understanding of this will help you tackle the issue accordingly. Suggest to the teacher to have your daughter sit in the front row, so the teacher can bring her attention back to the task, divide his tasks in smaller tasks etc. Good luck!

 


 

Category: Shyness and Under Confidence
Age of Child: 14
Gender of Child: male
Query: My son is in class 10th.He works very hard for the examinations, though he is 100% prepared but at the end he is never confident about his preparation.He commits minor mistakes which are not expected from him.

 

It is natural for every parent to want his/her child to do better or utilize his/her potential to the fullest. However, before you do so, evaluate your own expectations from him and make sure that they are realistic and not discourage the child or put too much unnecessary pressure on him. Once you have done so, only then decide what can be done to help him improve. Encourage him, appreciate his hard work so that he feels more confident about himself. Let him know that mistakes are part of life and that each mistake can teach him ways to improve for the next time. The more he feels that there are expectations and pressures, the more he might loose his confidence due to heightened stress.


 

Category: Behavioral Issues
Age of Child: 6
Gender of Child: Female
Query: My daughter start weeping on a very small things. Though we have never said her anything wrong to her

Children at this age are learning to deal with and express their emotions. So it is natural for them to feel frustrated, sad and angry on things, which seem small to us but our big in their eyes. Encourage her to talk to you about what seems to be bothering her, ways by which she can deal with it. Validate and normalize her feelings.


 

Category: Others
Age of Child: 10
Gender of Child: Male
Query: My son age is 10 years old. He is a new in the APS I have notice he is not happy in new school, but in FPS he was very social and active now he cut down all his social activities.

Your child seems to be adjusting to the new school environment, where there are new teachers, students and perhaps different way or teaching and perhaps a changed curriculum. Change can be extremely stressful at times and children and adults both adjust naturally with time. The best would be to talk to your child and give him an opportunity to share with you any difficulties that he is experiencing both academically and socially in adjusting to the new environment. Validate and acknowledge the change and help him develop skills for dealing with issues that he maybe experiencing associated with the change.

Category: Shyness and Under Confidence
Age of Child: 16
Gender of Child: female
Query: children unable answer the question as well as she know the answer.She loss are confidence during giving answers

 

Is she also under confident about other aspects of life? Building her self-esteem and confidence in general will also help her improve the situation related to her studies. Appreciate her positive qualities and encourage her wherever she falters and feels underconfident. Encourage her to pursue her interests and also take part in outdoor and physical activities to boost her overall self-image. Help her identify ways by which she can overcome her fears and concerns when giving answers.


Category: Behavioral Issues
Age of Child: 14
Gender of Child: Male
Query: he is very emotion and start crying on little things :(

 

Open and clear communication with him on this issue would be the best way to move forward. By communicating openly, you will be giving him an opportunity to discuss and share with you what he is bothered about.

Another angle to keep in mind is related to the adolescent age (roughly starting around ten years and above), which your child is going through, where a series of normal emotional, physical and social changes occur. As a result of these changes there is more interest in peers and opposite sex, less interest in spending time with family and adults, distraction, frequent arguments and need to exert their own individuality and identity etc. The adolescent period can be overwhelming for adolescents, especially if they lack correct information about the changes that they are experiencing or/and if they feel that there is no one that they can communicate with. It might help if you talk to your son in an open and friendly manner about the changes associated with this age and provide him an opportunity to share his concerns and ask questions.

Once you have considered the above-mentioned reasons and after talking to him, feel that there is no clear or concrete reason for this behavior, and it continues or gets worse, then it is suggested that you consult a doctor to rule out any clinical issue. In some children, this age can also bring about the onset of clinical depression, characterized by set of symptoms such as frequent crying and outbursts, change in appetite, sleep, concentration, energy level etc.


Category: Behavioral Issues
Age of Child: 3 years 4months
Gender of Child: Girl
Query: My daughter is 3 plus and she is in playgroup, the problem with her that I want to solve is her anger she gets angry on small things and through things away and simultaneously she behaves very good too In her first PTM teacher gave her a certificate of good behaviour with peers but in last PTM teacher was complaining that she started misbehaving with other peers, so plz help in this regard.And the other problem is she is not showing her interest in studies she only wants to play with other kids as she is single child I know that's a must for a kid but studies are must too... Help me to grow her interest in this manner too..Thanx a lot.

 

She is very young and learning to develop self-control and will naturally have these ups and downs. This needs to be accepted. This is also an age where children begin to understand that everything in life would not be according to their demands and that they will not get whatever they want, whenever they want it. Thus, this can have its toll on them. This, however, does not mean that children are not taught self-control, which is extremely essential for positive and healthy emotional development of children. Start by making her daily routine related to sleep, eating, play and study. Set some clear rules about behavior, time for studies and appreciate her whenever she shows positive behavior. Many times, children this age become cranky if they are hungry, have not had a good night sleep or have similar disturbances and addressing these helps resolve many of the emotions without any other intervention.


Category: Behavioral Issues
Age of Child: 3 years
Gender of Child: girl
Query: my daughter is in playgroup she is very intellegent but she never cooperate with teachers. she never participate in class activities although she is very active at home. she is having some adjustment problems too. Teachers tried hard but still she is unhappy in school.

 

Has she recently started going to school? She is young and will naturally take time to settle. Meet with her teachers and discuss how you can work jointly to address this issue. Make going to school exciting for her by packing her favorite lunch, taking out her favorite clothes etc. Ask her about the other children in her class, what she likes about the teacher etc. Appreciate her when she actively takes part in the class.